The American Way of Life as Promoted by AmericaOnLine

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This article, which appears below in its entirety, appeared this morning under the automated tabs of the AOL Welcome Screen. Was it a spoof? Not hardly. The article, lifted from, was chosen by AOL editors and featured as an important point worth promoting to millions of Americans.

Faking your way to success is a delightful American way of life. Look at the Enron crew and scores of other business executives who have swindled pensioners and investors out of their life savings. Look at the scandals in Congress–which are hardly visible in AOL News headlines. Better to get your news from google.

In the meantime, if you judge America by the vision engendered by AOL, we are in very deep trouble. We know that truth and justice no longer define the American Way. It’s lying, cheating and faking that matter. Hooray AOL. America’s voice. OY.


Six Tricks To Fake Your Way To The Top
By Dennis Coles, Career Advisor

It’s a dynamic familiar to anyone who’s ever been assigned a group project in school. While most individuals on a team will dedicate at least some level of effort towards their specified responsibilities, there is always one individual in the group who does absolutely nothing and inherits a grade they didn’t deserve.

So where do these “work leeches” go when graduation has come and gone? The answer is that they slime their way into the offices and workplaces where we hoped we’d never see them again.

What’s worse is that these seemingly incompetent individuals go on to careers where they receive undeserved pay increases, benefits and promotions over more worthy colleagues. The reason for this workplace injustice? To get ahead in any company, you may not have to be competent, diligent or resourceful, but you had better make sure your boss thinks you’re working hard.

Below are six office habits that will make your boss think you’re the glue holding the company together and not what you really are: A hungover employee consumed with whether or not to click the NSFW link in their web browser.

1- CC almost all of your outgoing e-mails to your boss
CCing is a great way of flaunting work in front of your boss’ face. Be they e-mails of major or minor significance, CCing allows you to selectively pump the message “I am working hard” into your supervisor’s head. Moreover, even if your employer doesn’t bother reading these e-mails in full, they are a constant reminder that you are doing your job.

“There was a time at my job where I would come in to the office and do nothing but send three e-mails the entire day” says JC, a midlevel executive in Montreal. “But because I would CC the letters to my boss, I developed a reputation as a diligent worker and got promoted. Oddly enough, with my new position I have no time to pointlessly CC e-mails and now my manager thinks I’m doing nothing.”

2- Carry a notebook and never let it leave your side
For some reason, employers tend to assume that if someone is scribbling in a notepad while they are walking around an office, they are inherently productive. Even if you’re drawing pictures of your boss’ desperate housewife, management will see your notepad as a sign that you are a lean, mean, corporate predator, ready to feast on the innards of your lazy, unproductive, notepad-less coworkers.

The connection between looking productive and acting stressed…

3- Report office issues to your boss before anyone else does
Countless inept employees have solidified their place as the boss’ right-hand man simply by channeling information that is widely known throughout the office up to their superiors.

Whether it’s informing management that the company firewall is inhibiting e-mails from reaching the admin. department or noting that the water cooler has been empty for three weeks, reporting the daily events of the office to your boss crystallizes your role as the company’s guardian angel.

4- Keep your phone on your shoulder and your best work on your PC
These are two very important habits that ensure you look productive whenever an employer may decide to pass by your workstation.

Firstly, having a piece of plastic on your shoulder shouldn’t make you seem like a dynamic professional about to land the company’s next big contract but — because that piece of plastic is shaped like a phone — it does.

Secondly, leaving the best work you’ve done on your computer’s desktop ensures you’re presenting yourself as a focused and driven executive and not the idle employee who minimized this article upon hearing your boss’ footsteps.

5- Act stressed
Used before the time of e-mail, telephones and notepads, feigning stress is a classic method of workplace self-promotion as the logic behind it is simple and rock solid: All bosses believe that more work means more stress, thus someone who is very stressed must be working very hard.

6- On your day off, call your boss from the office
Even if you stay out clubbing to the break of dawn, make a habit of passing by your workplace on the way home and provide your supervisor with a weekend wake up call. Though they might be a bit upset about being confronted with office affairs on their day off, calling your boss on the weekend forever establishes your reputation as an employee that lives to work.

Being Passively Productive

So now that these workplace weapons are at your disposal, don’t be surprised if you become the apple of the boss’ eye despite allowing the quality of your work to hit the dumpster. Just remember: Don’t blame us when ou’re put in charge of everything and these fickle tactics are the only leadership skills you have left.

2006-07-11 18:05:38

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